I dont know where this is all going. I hope for a light at the end of the tunnel. It just feels like for every step forward I take two steps backwards. Guh. I wish that everything and nothing was different at the same time, because things seem to be so perfect but they arent. Im so frustrated.

I still love you.

So, I'm trying to get healthy! Nan and I are on a detox diet at the moment to rid ourselves of all the nasties and the damage we've caused out bodies this year. I'm also walking to get slightly fitter. I want to feel healthy so I'm able to focus on my studies without feeling lethargic and unhealthy all the time. Wooo! I'm so pumped to be healthy. :)

It has been so long since I've posted on here. That would be because so much has happened and I am so busy at the moment, but I supposed I've had time to post but I'm just too lazy and exhausted from all the hard learning I've been doing! Year 12 is crazy. You do not just be in year 12... you are a year 12. It's so engulfing of your life and your personality. It feels like I've done nothing but school since I can last remember! It is a cocktail of excitement, stress, pressure and heaps of fun. I love the support I seem to have, even strangers wish me well on my journey this year. What has happened since I last blogged? Well, I believe the long story, in which you are most probably not interested in, is going to be told.
It starts off with my grandpa that I live with having a stroke around the time of his birthday. Which was horrible and we were all worried about pa. Not only are we confronted with this stress we were also informed of my father that's been distant most of my life has passed away, suicide. All sorts of feelings go through your head at times like those. Should I be sad? Guilty? Worried? I am not sure what I was supposed to have felt. In fact, I am not even sure what I did feel. I wish I had have posted a blog because honestly I can barely remember that month now it's so tightly crammed into my unconscious mind. I am still left with some regrets about the past and I was hoping for some magic reunion with my father in the future but now that seems to be only a fantasy which maybe I hoped for and may have never really come true. I am still unsure that my grandma is okay... She's had a lot to deal with lately and I wish I could be more emotionally available for her but I in my state of mind at the moment can't be who I want to be for her at the moment. Here we come to the end of that saga, or what I remember of the end January.


February;
I started February being confused, excited and nervous. Year 12, how exciting! School captain, wow, what a responsibility that I am not sure I deserve or am capable of living up to but I am so thankful for the opportunity. I fear so much that I will let down everyone and not reach their expectations. What I fear most is that I will let down myself and regret wasting time (which I try not to do though). I am scared of facing the reality that I might not be able to physically achieve the goals I've set myself. Year 12 isn't all about being nervous and stressed though, I've spent a lot of time soul searching and realizing what impact I want to make on the world, although I haven't quite come to a conclusion but I am sure you never really do. I love my school friends. Special Emily and Shelley. You girls are awesome. I think that we'll help each other get through year 12. I know that I want to be there for the good, the bad and the ugly with you two girlies this year.

Mum and Brandon;
I miss you guys. I miss talking to my mum. I miss driving with her because we'd talk for hours. She never really got frustrated with me which really helped me learn. She's such a wonderful person. I've come to see her as not just my mother now, but as one of my closest friends. I see her in a new light and realize how amazing she really is. Brandon wont see it yet but he will one day. Her personality shines through her beauty. I hope I will grow up with traits that resemble her. Speaking of Brandon, I miss him too. Sure, we don't get along 100% of the time (it's more like 0.005% of the time we do) but I think now that he's not around me everyday, I'll get to appreciate the time I can spend with him. I hope it brings us closer. He's grown up so much while he's been in Sydney. He called me for my birthday which I didn't expect, better yet it wasn't even mums idea! I'm flying up to Sydney in April! I cant wait.

My Birthday;
AHHH 17. Not a big enough of a deal for many people to care, but big enough to feel the immaturity slowly depleting (but to never fully disappear). The party Emily and I were going to have was canceled. I started off feeling disappointed but I am partially glad for the misfortune otherwise I would not have gone on the most wonderful date my history with one of the most wonderfully minded person in the world. It was so lovely. I also went out for dinner at the pancake parlor with Sheena, Sharee, Eilis and Maddie. I loved that too and not only for the pancake factor but because it was just nice to have those girls there to talk to. Sheena bought me flowers and she made me a chocolate ripple cake (which was amazing no matter what she says it was perfectly soft and I really appreciated it). My birthday eve was spent at hanging rock with close relatives. Hanging rock is so beautiful and the atmosphere there was gladly soaked up. I enjoyed the experience intensely. I'm beginning to realize you can't take things for granted. I loved spending that time with my grandparents, Natalie, Brad and my gorgeous cousins. The day of my birthday was spent trying to waste hours of the school swimming sports that we only went to for attendance but the day wasn't dreadful, just uneventful. I worked that night but it was fun - we had the best team on! (Sheeny, Julz and I = awesome). I got some cute pressies but my three favorites would have to be my pearl ring that I adore (from Nanna), My gobble-guts carny the carnivorous plant (from Shelley) and my pearl necklace (from Nanny) oh and I revcieved some lovely sparkly flowers sent from mum. My birthday was a success!

That was a long post, I know. I will stop blabbering on now :) I still haven't said all I could! but I wont say anymore for now. That teaches me a lesson to post regularly!

Take care everybody! xx

I'm so mad. Nothing goes to plan. Everything falls apart. I hate being so insignificant. It's almost like I'm lead on that people care about me more than they ultimately do. I'm not speaking to anyone in particular at the moment but I am just so annoyed at the moment. When I care about someone, I would do anything for them. I just feel like I dont have anyone that would do anything in the world for me - who cares about me that much. I have such low self esteem at the moment. I'm in such a fragile state and I dont why I'm feeling this way, but I'm just so lonely. Grr at everything right now. Not enough sleep and lack of TLC makes Steph insane and miserable.

My week has been fairly fine. I'm feeling a bit stressed and nervous about year 12 and being school captain this year. This year is a big year and a lot of new things are going on - ahhh nervous. I start holiday school in a few days, I'm really hoping it's going to give me the boost of confidence I need to start this school year well - it should, it cost nearly $700 :O. I may have a guest tomorrow! oh how splendid that would be! Samantha Hird, I love ya!

So there is this boy - that's all you get to know. :P Naaah he's so lovely. We're not together but things are shaping up quite nicely. :)

'09 is here. This year is a big year. All sorts of things will happen - good and bad. I'm up for the challenge and taking it head on. No new years resolutions because I'm gonna take things as they come and change as I see fit. Goodluck to everyone next year. Special mentions to mum and Brandon who've moved to Sydney this year - I hope this life change does great things for you. You'll always be in my heart.

I've moved to The Basin - In with my grandparents. Things have been going well so far, my furniture fits, no arguments, privacy - so far things are going great. I have plans to get creative with my room, well to think about it, get creative with my life! I'm brainstorming all these ideas so far the ones that I am going through with are all to do with decorating my room but it wont stop there, trust me!

2009 is coming up fast. New years eve celebrations will have to be enjoyed by everyone without me this year. I'm stuck with working the close shift. I'm not too happy about it but I will manage and celebrate in my own way by myself.. at work! I can't wait for 2009 - embracing year 12 with open arms. I figure I'm going to be exposed to a lot of opportunities this year and I hope to take every one of them. I'm going to have to study very hard - I know this, but I'm really willing and eager to do this. -coughs- nerd -coughs-

2009 for Stephanie is going to be a year of change. A year of hard work and effort. Also, hopefully a rewarding year of happiness.
Watch out 2009 - Here I come!

So, today was Christmas! I went to midnight mass last night because I'm a devoted and practicing catholic, yeah right! but never mind that it was fun and I sang my heart out. The priest was so cute but I swear that he was gay - It was seemingly obvious when he commented how beautiful the Indian ladies dresses were. [I didn't know there were a lot of Indian Catholics.. but cool]
This morning, I woke up to my cousin screaming to me "SANTA CAME!! HE FILLED UP MY STOCKING" - This would have been acceptable past 10am possibly but no! it was 6:05am. That's okay, I survived through the day and ended up being $280 richer than I was before the day began.
Merry Christmas to everyone :]

On other news tonight is my second last night in my house at Mooroolbark! House warming party! Nay.. the house is already warm and I'm not allowed to have a party. :[
My new room is shaping up quite nicely I'd say.
Well, while I look forward to packing, I hope whoever reads this has something more exciting planned.
Enjoy yourself :] Be happy :] God loves you [so I'm told]